begin.
there's no better timing than now
Begin, dear one, begin…
Begin to recognize yourself as worthy,
Begin to remember just how made on purpose you are,
Begin to receive that which you need and that which needs you—and needs you well.
Begin to disrupt the placements that keep you stuck and in stagnation,
Begin to stretch beyond the familiarity of old routines and outdated patterns,
Begin to place yourself at the forefront of all you do, making your way home.
Begin to trust yourself and listen to all that it is you feel,
Begin to challenge the stories that keep you small and singular,
Begin to breathe into the visions where you are victorious and vital,
Begin to see yourself as Holy and whole, even if there is hurt and holes.
Begin to love yourself,
Begin to be yourself,
Begin to free yourself.
Begin the brave work of doing that which may have never been shown, may never have been said, may never have been encouraged or celebrated—of honoring that which is you:
Your body,
Your breath and energy,
Your mind and dreams,
Your intuition and calls,
Your Spirit and Soul.
Begin right here, right now,
By returning to your heart and all it holds in the realms and spaces of great Love, Joy, and grief.
Begin to slow down and make space between the stimulus and all that wants to respond,
Begin your relationship with your own power, pulse, and path.
Begin, dear one,
For if not you, who?
And if not now, when?
This is the perfect time for each and all of us to begin.
And what that beginning is for you—trust it. With everything you have and everything you are. With everything you are lacking and everything you are not. Welcome the entirety into the reality of this make, mold, and model of you, and let it all be there, just ready to begin…
As I greet and ground into this final month of 2024 and the placement of December and all she brings—from the holidays to the equinox, from the dark to the cold, from the grief to all that grounds me with such gratitude—all of it feels here and hopeful. Not so much as a goodbye or end, but as a hello. Let us begin…
I haven’t always had this perspective of seeing ends as beginnings. Yet, with the curriculum and circumstances that have made up my life—the shock traumas and loss, the healing and the hope—all of it reminds me and has rerouted and rewired me in a way to see that which ends is just the space for something else to begin. And, that which begins will also one day come to an end just to start again.
This cycle once kept me trapped. Now, it allows me to swirl and see that everything—e v e r y t h i n g—is just a continuation of what once was, unfolding into the energy and excitement of what can be.
So, what can be, dear one?
What do you want to be?
And how can we hold that with tenderness and truthfulness, action and accountability, to ensure it happens?
There is no better time than now to truly begin.
For me, it is the continuation of prioritizing myself at the center of all I do. There is no hierarchy. There is no belief system that says I deserve more, and I am so proud to say there is also no belief system (anymore) that says I deserve less. It is the awareness that I am the captain of this ship, the leader of this journey, and I am worthy of all the love, generosity, and grace I share outside of myself and out in the world.
For me, it is silencing the phone and staying off the socials so I can get more clear and courageous in my creativity, my work, and my offerings to myself and to the world.
For years, I have been saying to a small few I feel safe with that I am writing a book. I am sharing my story in a way that I have yet to. My story of shock trauma and situational shames and shadows and suffering that has led me to a life where I know and feel peace, healing, and joy. A life where I know more clearly who I am and all that is urgent and necessary for my soul.
Nothing about my story is singular to me. Every time I tune into the trauma, the tragedy, the healing, and the peace—and all the trajectories and teachings that led me through—I am reminded that so many face these demons and live with these wounds. I am reminded that much of this existence has yet to really equip us with the emotional resilience and support we deserve and need—as well as the spiritual, physical, mental, and relational.
I’ve been exposed to the truth that so many of us want to heal, yet we really don’t know how.
As this past weekend found me and reminded me of the 12 holiday seasons and 11+ years of moving through something that once felt unmovable, unlivable, inescapable, I have and am finding my way. And if I can, well, dear one, so can you.
None of it has been the end of me. Though many old versions of myself no longer live within this body and being, new versions of myself have emerged. Old versions have evolved. And continuation has kept me whole through all the rearranging and shifts—and will continue to.
As I greet this final month of our 2024 year, I can hear my heart and spirit whispering as well as shouting: begin, begin, begin. And the only thing I know to do now is to listen.
I am beginning the very thing I have blocked myself from for far too long. The Timing is Right. The story is mine and wants so badly to be birthed. I am going to do it.
And as I do, I also encourage and celebrate you as you consider what is wanting to begin in you.
What might be waiting to begin in you, dear one? What stories, dreams, or truths are ready to unfold?
I hope you trust them.
I hope you tend to them.
I hope you take care of them and allow them to take care of you.
And stay tuned, dear ones,
For one day soon, I will have something even more potent and Magickal to share with you—from my heart, hurt, and healing to your hands and all you hold too.
Until then, I will keep sharing with you that which is being shared with me.
I will continue.
And I hope with all my heart, you do too…
My greatest intention is to illuminate just how many of us are living shared versions of victimhood and pain—and to show that there is a path forward toward promise and victory, if we choose it. This is a story that isn’t mine alone or unique to my family. And yet, it is mine.
I made a vow to myself that in the courageous commitment to creating this masterpiece of mastering my peace, I would not—could not—dilute what has been so preciously lived through me and those I hold dear. Not everyone will appreciate what I have to say. Not everyone will understand how they may have impacted me—both in my growth and in my pain.
Regardless of the outcome of our relationships, I am deeply grateful, for each has been a stepping stone and a stirring force, shaping what has been and what still has the potential to be.
In no way do I intend to call anyone out. Instead, my hope is to call you into my story, to invite you to see—just maybe—how we are, in truth and tenderness, so much the same.
I still feel tears and deep contractions in my chest every time I revisit that time—the moments that changed me and challenged me, this chapter in my story and the story that is theirs, mine, and ours. The eruption, the catastrophe, our own Armageddon. Even as I continue to cultivate healing and create spaciousness around this wound, and all the intersections that led us to that point, there remains, and I feel will always remain, a lasting imprint of grief and wishful, perhaps even woeful, thinking. It lives within me and all that was born from that time. The grief is immense and carried deep in my chest. The wishes and woes live there too, as well as in my mind.
I have always known this cannot happen again, and in time, I was able to meet it with curiosity and compassion. But before I could make sense of it or find any salve, I had to feel it—surrender to the wound and all the wounds surrounding it. That’s why returning to this place in my story, in my cells, always causes me to collapse just a little, to cry just a little, to remember just a little more of everything that led us to that day: Independence Day. A day when many celebrate the notion of freedom, but in my story, it serves as a cyclical reminder that we were never free. Yet, can I be?
