beyond hurt

a reflection & remedy meeting this here, hurt, & now

For most of my life, I lived under the assumption that everyone has the right to:

Decency.

Dignity.

Democracy.

My parents did a great job of painting this picture for me. However, where I stand today is a testament to the process of learning and unlearning. My assumptions are anything but true.

The shift in my life and the learning of hard, deep soul lessons began when I started questioning everything and allowed curiosity (and, at the time, some small sacred drops of compassion) to guide me through the mirage of all that seemed so terrifying...

It began when I faced my dad with his last breaths - my final words to him on this earth, “You are a fucking asshole,” leaving him soulless and soon to be lifeless in our home.

It began when I sensed something was wrong - my intuition urging me to wake up and see the misalignment outside of me, urging me to find my way through.

It began when I stopped coloring inside the lines of illusion, being the “keri” everyone thought they wanted and needed me to be, and started holding my life a little more sacredly, a little more tenderly, a little more with the absoluteness of all this can and will end... and the need to know HOW all of this can be so true and untrue...

Combustion is a reaction.

My parents' story is the reaction to the many fables and foes of the reality of the world we live in - at least in this now. My greatest intention is to change this - ambitious work - Soul work - and I never would be as close to this deep knowing of “I can and I will” without the fragility of their loss fused with the absolute horrendousness of what brought us here; what brought me here.

Shame casts a shadow and a spell on each of us.

We see the choices we’ve made and disregard the circumstance that brought us there.

We judge ourselves - and each other - based on our worst mistakes and lose sight of all the goodness, gentleness, and grace that is our true essence- our true nature…

We forget who we truly are and start to conform into the shapes and silence of what our culture tells us we can be. Who is wrong. And who is right. Who is worthy. And who is not. We lose sight of the innocence deep within us and start to fall into the traps we’ve made for ourselves and each other. These energies are intense and damaging. We lose sight of the Divinity and become judgmental of the human.

I wish I had focused more on their light.

I wish I had the patience to pause and be with them in their pain.

I wish for so much more…

Shame suffocates our light and creates an illusion that we are wrong/bad/irreparable in any capacity… ego edges that confine us into our own madness and “badness” - we get stuck - we get lost - we get hopeless in the despair of our own making…

And as if that is not enough to go up against,

our current culture reinforces the stakes and shames in our suffering.

Making it almost impossible to heal -

Impossible to be heard -

Impossible to bring into light all that which we have tried and tried and tried to run from and hide.

I’ve lived it. I’ve seen it. I’ve been doing my absolute best to shine as much light as I can on all the ways shame shows up in my story - my cells - and my mindsets.

There was so much anger targeted at my dad - and yes, rightfully so to some degree - and some still choose to hold this anger in their cells and stories and bones - yet, for me, one of the easiest things was choosing to forgive them both. In that choice, my horizon began to broaden, and my perspective began to heighten -

I was led to letters, songs, pictures, and places showing me their humanness - showing me more to their stories than I ever was told as their daughter - showing me their love in ways I had yet to witness. Beautiful. Timeless. And Oh so very True.

I began seeing them as human.

And how in their humanness - they were flawed.

And then I got curious: what caused these “flaws”?

What in their story led them to this/ led us to this?

I got curious about their efforts. The money - the time - the arguments and energy - to get “help” - to receive support - the trust and power they placed outside of them time and time again only to fall back into the societal woes and lows of what it means to be the ones who do not get to have.

We are worthy.

Yet, this unworthiness still lives deep within our DNA.

It did not begin there -

It was placed there -

Due to the prejudice,

The bias,

The harm,

The hate,

For ourselves and towards each other -

It is there weaved within our stories -

I see it now and my work again is untangling this enmeshed web of lies.

We are worthy.

The world has yet to believe so.

And as my compassion grew -

So did my curiosity -

And so did the un-understanding of others.

Man oh man does misery enjoy company.

And it would have been easy to get lost in the loss -

The pain -

The high and heavy emotions of hatred and anger and rage for this loss.

My eyes and soul saw what that does to people -

And I couldn't land there - too toxic - too hot - too suffocating for me -

And that made people angry - they did not understand my choices - they did not understand my pull towards something better and brighter awaiting me through this pain.

Like my choice to have a memorial for my dad and to honor my dad and hold space for who it is he was beyond the labels of murdered, alcoholic, mentally ill, and all else that comes with being a brown man in this world.

I honored my soul.

And honored his as well.

And don't know if I would have ever had that strong absolute without this absolute pain.

The hole in my heart opened up my mind and I again began getting really curious as to why and what led us here.

Unhealed trauma.

Un-held truths.

Unfair conditioning’s.

The unfairness of our systems.

The biases placed on people who are harmed.

All the ways we get trapped.

I read once that when children are abused by their parents they don't grow up hating their parents, they grow up hating themselves. We learn it early - this ability to cut off the mutual pour of love and forgiveness and space to be and breathe as we are. We learn it early - the ways to punish ourselves - silently and out loud - we learn it early - the lie of unworthiness - and we learn it in a million different ways on a million different days.

We learn it early - all the ways we continue to repeat the harm.

These shadows and imprints of the ways in which we are choiceless in our harm and unsupported in our healing live on and on and on until we finally have the support and space to face them.

I know my parents faced many demons in their lives. And they came out victoriously. For the most part, my brother and I had so much more than them - we had stability - we had food and clothes and shelter and love - we had 2 parents who would sacrifice everything so we could have.

And it’s when I start to gather up all the parts and pieces of this experience of life I hold again and again the sacredness of their sacrifice and in hopes that maybe just maybe their babies - me - could have a better chance at a decent and dignified life.

Forgiving my dad was one of the easiest decisions I could ever make.

I saw him - and see him - as the child who just wanted to belong - only wanted to be loved - only wanted things to be simple, sacred, and sweet.

I feel you, dad.

And that is all I want too.

Forgiving the world, though… our current culture… our current conditioning… that, on the other hand, is my greatest practice. I am thankful my pain led me to this practice - because without it - I do not think I would have ever felt and found the ground - I would never have had the courage and compassion to plant my feet and continue on this journey that is my life. I would not have the strength to keep questioning this existence all in hope of returning to our humanity - our essence - our love.

To forgive all is to understand all.

Today, I leverage that practice of compassion and curiosity to you.

Nothing is guaranteed.

Nothing is forever -

Well,

Besides our love -

But other than that,

Everything will come

And everything will go.

May we not get lost in the illusions or stuck in the confines of the cracks -

May we persist with the purpose of resolving that which holds us back and repairing all that which continues to harm.

May we be the ones who choose to forgive what is behind us so we can begin to create a more understanding and loving and compassionate life ahead for all of us.

As I reflect on my journey of forgiveness and understanding, I can't help but draw parallels to the ongoing struggles faced by many in this moment, especially the Palestinian people. Like my own family's experiences, generations of Palestinians have endured trauma, unfair conditions, and systemic biases that continue to perpetuate cycles of suffering. The pain of displacement, loss, and injustice weighs heavily on their hearts and minds, yet amidst it all, there is a resilience that speaks to the universal longing for decency, dignity, and democracy. Just as I've learned to forgive and seek understanding, so too must we collectively strive to dismantle the barriers that divide us and perpetuate harm. In standing in solidarity with the Free Palestine movement, we affirm our commitment to healing, compassion, and the inherent worthiness of all humanity.

Together, may we cultivate a world where every individual is seen, heard, and valued, and where the wounds of the past can be transformed into seeds of hope for a brighter, more just future, for all we are and all we are to one another.

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all my love, joy, sorrow, and gratitude,

with you in the work always,

thank you for being here with me,

keri