hold up, let me get my mind right...
hey hey sweet and Sacred ones,
I am coming your way today to let you know first and foremost I am feeling mucho mucho better! what I had believed to be COVID has actually been bronchitis, something totally new to me and my systems and with rest, lots of hydration, and this new peace of mind of having confirmation for what I have been experiencing, has and is giving me tremendous ease, relief, and remedy- thank you thank you thank you- and how I got to this place of insight and ease feels like Divine timing and intervention had their hands and love all over it and me…
for the second thing I want to share with you is just how much of an obstacle course our american health care system is - be it if you are well or unwell - my experience these last couple of years have shown me even more clearly and personally how difficult it can be to have access to medical care. I traditionally am someone who is well and I really try not to take that for granted, yet realize I just may and do, especially when experiencing the contrast of illness, disease, and the need to seek and receive medical care.
I found out the hard way that when you do not see your doctor annually you get booted off their client/patient list. and let me tell you, that really does suck! these last few years my husband and I have experienced a lot of personal and professional change, and as an entrepreneur of sorts and a sole proprietor of my practice and mission, I rely and am dependent upon him and his profession to provide us medical insurance.
when we had to make the very difficult yet clear decision for my husband to step away from his role as a principal at the end of the school year in 2022, we both had to lose our insurance and were in a limbo of sorts for a few months… at least. which at the time just meant we had to be extra cautious and careful until he was to find his next role and job. which, I truly believe, the universe is always supporting us and walking us through this crazy beautiful brutal thing called life, but it was a real reality check for us to go from having some of the best insurance in the industry to being left in the wind and whims of our own well being and fate.
thankfully, he didn’t have to go too long not having some sort of insurance coverage as he has asthma and our lungs y’all are everything, but, when life took him to the next stepping stone of his journey with work, we found that we could not afford to have both him and I under his insurance provider. so, I promised him, I would do all in my might and means to stay as well as I could. we navigated that for a short while before he left that job and insurance and started teaching again with a new school this past fall.
once I had coverage again, and can I get a woot woot y’all?!? (woot woot!) I was geeked to get an appointment set up with who I thought was my doctor at the time. she had been treating me for years prior and helped me through my grief and depression journey, she walked me through getting off antidepressants and anxiety medication, she helped me find a therapist i could trust and feel safe with, she knew me and my story, she knew my triggers, she knew what was of value to me in the realm of care, she really was (and is) an amazing doctor - we both are so blessed to have found her. but, y’all, I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to experience when I went to call and set up my appointment gleefully knowing I had coverage (finally) and knowing I needed to get some things checked out as it had been quite some time… like pre-pandemic y’all…
so I called her office and asked to set up an appointment with her as my primary care provider just to find out she dropped me- I no longer was a patient of hers and if that gut punch wasn’t enough to send my head and heart sailing and flailing with confusion, hearing the receptionist tell me “right now is a really difficult time to find a doctor so good luck” (literally their words to me) felt devastating… almost like a betrayal, as I was in need of some help, some support, some guidance, and I needed to see someone and someone soon for health reasons. it just made no sense to me. still doesn’t. but, I also see how my well-being doesn’t really generate income for them or the industry, (our current culture y’all) so of course they had to do away with me as a patient- which completely stinks!
to find out I was no longer her patient and that it would be a real struggle to find a new physician alongside the lack of any sort of real support to guide me, was a real insight to the fraud and failure of our current medical system. I was losing the doctor that had been with me for years- the one who knew my story- and all because I had been well and not in need of their care as well as without insurance to receive that care just sunk me to the ground as well as awakened me to the hard realities of our current health care system- at least for me.
thankfully, my husband still was considered her patient, so the next time he went in to see her I asked him to please ask her if she would take me back on as one of her patients again - please oh please oh please. and thankfully, she did. which catches us up to today’s appointment which I had made months ago y’all - months! and it’s almost been a countdown for me of yay i’m going to see my doctor soon! and that soon being scheduled with the intersection of these last 10 days and this cough so deep in my chest feels like fate to me. seeing her today she was able to confirm that what I have been experiencing is not COVID and thank goodness as I felt tremendous guilt on my heart and shoulders and psyche for thinking and believing I was moving through the world with COVID. and, as someone who has had COVID twice before, I just got to say it just didn’t feel like it was COVID in my body. This cough has felt foreign, it has felt new, and low and behold it is bronchitis! a new illness and experience for me.
to have this insight is and has been miraculous in itself. and that leads me to the third thing I would love to share with you and that is just how powerful our mind is as well as the intricate, delicate, and intimate relationship it has with our body. The two work so deeply and Divinely together. I feel sometimes we see and believe these parts of ourselves as separate entities when in fact they are apart of a congruent and connected system that impacts our wholeness and health on every level.
when the body is not well, the mind follows - and I have definitely been experiencing that obstacle course as well these last ten days - and when the mind is not well y’all the body will follow and feel that too. Creating not just symptoms we experience somatically and physically but also our behaviors, our empathy or lack of, the way we move, the way we carry and care for ourselves, all that lives and lands in the mind will manifest somehow someway within our body- that’s how connected it all is- that’s how connected we truly are.
I share this because awareness is everything - and if we have this awareness of how the one will absolutely impact the other, well, I feel there is great power here and we can begin to work with ourselves - wholly and fully - and all in support of us feeling and knowing our best and better.
with any illness, disease, and physical ailment, we are not going to feel our best and vital self, especially on a somatic and physical level, and duh right, that is where the wound is or the ache is so of course we are going to feel that ick and hurt. our body has moved out of homeostasis and is seeking to return to that place of ease, which it’s amazing how resilient this whole flesh thing is and can be- especially when we take care of it. I know my body needed/needs rest these last 10 days alongside nutrition, hydration, and care. the disruption to that rest and remedy has been deeply rooted in my mind and all her trickery and tales telling me I need to be doing more than the acts of care, the thoughts of productivity over nurture in addition to the shadow stuff that shows up anytime I am feeling down…
and the flip flop of that is our bodies might be in a place of ease, balance, homeostasis, and care, yet our minds might be very much plugged and plagued into the default of ego, the judger-mind, the trauma responses and patterns we have created that make us think we are protecting ourselves but actually may be doing ourselves more harm than good.
don’t believe every thought, kids - do believe every feel.
there really is no separation of the mind and body. there really is no separation from ourselves and each other. its all so connected. and its all so intentional.
so I gotta say, the moment I even knew I didn’t have COVID but instead bronchitis, a literal sense of joy came over me due to the clarity of now knowing what it was I have been going through as well as the regimen and care being received - which I know we are all worthy of but these damn obstacle courses inside and outside of us can really prevent us from knowing that care and having access to that support. which is why I really felt called today to share this with you. because we can work with the ailments, we can work with the distance between us and our well and choose to do something about it that will support our feelings and thoughts to and toward ease.
physically, I needed rest, and i’m so blessed to be in a position where I could receive it - again and again, I know not all have that and that can really get my blood boiling and my heart breaking. I think of my mom often and just how much of her life she had to show up not feeling well because if she didn’t her livelihood/ our livelihood was at stake. as the only one working and generating income for many years, there was a lot on her shoulders, so even in the turmoil of her own body’s need for rest and care, she somehow someway showed up and did many things for many people… I know that is not singular to her and it contracts my heart in such a way to realize this is our current culture, this is our current norm, all these giant obstacles we make that just keep exhausting us further from our well and accepting them as so. so when I can rest, i do. not just for my body and being but I do it for my ancestors, I do it for her, I do it for my nieces and nephews and for all the future generations to know they can and they must rest and receive care too.
the other piece of that puzzle is our mental state and health. and in the resting, I found my mind doing that darn thing of generating tension through thoughts and scrutiny of timelines, mirages of worst care scenarios for me and those that I serve, I thought of my bank account and the after effects of missing out on work, truthfully, I thought too much if you ask me, because all those thoughts did nothing for me and my body but generate more tension, more inflammation, more dissonance, more fear, more disease for me… and none of that served me, my mind, or body and none of that served you…
but the awareness does and that’s where I practice y’all…
I practiced bringing that awareness to me and all these parts that make me whole. when my mind wanted to create tension I returned my awareness to my breath and my sankalpa, mantras, and the ability to shift my mindset into one that serves and serves through love, healing, and reconnecting me to all my power. I reminded myself of my privilege and blessings to rest and be here as well as shining the light on all the shadows that wanted me to get lost in the fog of fear, obligation, guilt… I redirected my mind to actually be of support to me- and even though my body still has been in repair mode, having my mind in a place of ease and acceptance and allowing has been medicine in itself. and we all have that ability dear ones.
I know not all are able to conquer the demons of the mind. I think of my dad here… and just how his mind might have been the very demise to his body, being, and all… when we really believe we hold no worth or value especially thanks to this sick and sad capitalist culture of productivity and work being seen as our one and only value and worth, it can be all too easy to get stuck in the cyclones of our minds shadows and shames and that will always and absolutely contribute to our body, our entire being, not being well.
so, just like I rest for my mama and my ancestors, I pay attention to where my mind is at as well as where it is going, what it is saying, and whether or not I am going to believe it or not for me and all that I am able to impact, inspire, and be in life with. mental health is whole health. and I have a long history within me and my bloodlines of mental health- depression, anxiety, bipolar disease, addiction… it is nothing to be ashamed of, it is the poisonous byproducts of living within systems and a culture that has yet to really support us being well. so instead of putting that on me or anyone that has come before me I reclaim my power and remember I don’t have to believe every thought I have- and If my mind needs to rest on something, well Keri Ann, may it be peaceful, may it be nourishing, may it be kind… and I do all of this not just for me and my own peace of mind, I do it for my dad, I do it for all the ones who have come before me who may have never ever had this awareness, practice, and opportunity. I do it for the future, I do it for us all… for just like my mind and body are one congruent body and being, so are we y’all, so are we…
of course, all of this is a practice and the practice of yoga has absolutely aided me in this ability to be more aware and more mindful and more skillful in my actions- the beautiful thing is though we don’t need much for these shifts to happen- we just need to remember we are worthy, willing, and the ones to make it happen.
there’s going to be obstacles.
there’s going to be so much in our lives that will want us to stay stationary and stuck in cycles of sick and shame but who is that serving? who benefits from our lack of being well? it is not me… and it is not you… so let us let us let us be the very ones who use this knowledge and history and now to finally and fully proclaim no more! no more will we believe the ideas that we cant be the very ones who actually break free and evolve beyond the disease of disconnection, the ideas and ignorance of neglecting our own selves, our whole selves, as well as each other.
for I am only well if you are well. and you are only well if I am well. in mind, in body, in spirit, in all connection… so let us do the bravest and most generative thing we can do right here and now and compassionately turn on the lights and allow ourselves to become more and more aware- of how you feel, of what you think, and what is within your very hands, head, heart, and power to care for you, to love you, to nurture you and all that it is you need.
and let us experience it all together - even if apart - of all that is possible for us in the scope and sanctuary of our own well-being. shedding any and all ideas that prevent me and us from knowing our worthy and creating new ways of being within ourselves as well as the world that will impact the whole of who we are and the whole of who we are together in a much more generative, loving, and caring light.
all of this comes from the reality of me not being well and all of it provides me with more awareness, more action, and more accountability to do the work within myself so I can keep showing up in support of each and all of you.
I love you. I appreciate you. I believe in you.
the real work my friend is allowing that all to live fully and freely into you.
let us get our minds right. let us rest. let us revolutionize what it is to care right within this moment of now- for it impacts all and aren’t we all so worthy of all that supports us, holds us, heals us, and reminds us there is no separation?
my heart and head says yes.
how about you???
let us know in the comments below and again and again, I LOVE YOU, I’M PROUD OF YOU, and I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE IN YOU and US.
