to be seen

the gift of a clear reflection

in the midst of all that is happening in the world, one week ago, my husband James and I celebrated ten years of marriage together, which is such a blessing to be walking and changing and healing and navigating this life and world with him, and it also is such a testament of our commitment to ourselves, each other, and all our love.

when James and I got married, May 23rd, 2014, we both were so freshly steeped in the aftermath of loss, trauma, and reckoning… before we said ‘i do’ life threw to us many hard lessons, many dark days and nights, and many opportunities for us both to abandon ship, self, and each other… yet, we didn’t…

James was with me on the July 4th day in 2013. James was with me that morning as I woke up and sipped my coffee and prepared to go to a workout class, he was with me as I shared with him my concerns for not hearing from my mom, that was unusual, we normally text each other every morning - God, I miss that… and that morning, she wasn’t responding… he was with me after I returned from my shift at St. Mary’s hospital, coming home with the same concerns I had that morning just amplified now by the amount of time that had gone by without her response… he was the one who lovingly encouraged us all to get into the car and drive over there so my heart could find some ease- he knew how much, he knows how much, my mama means and meant to me and he was with me as day by day we navigated the realities of my dad’s decline and addiction, he was with me on those nights where my mom would call (sometimes not purposely, but I am eternally glad her butt dialed) to torment, tears, even fear and defeat of my dad’s demons and shadows hurting her, him, and ultimately me…

i’ve said it before and I will say it again and again: things do not just happen - everything impacts everything - and in the retrospection of today and now, I can better see how it all led us there, James with me, driving home home in hopes of just finding my mom innocently in her day, detached from her phone, that was the hope, but, that wasn’t the happening…

James was with me as we pulled into the driveway and saw my moms car there with the windows down. James was with me as my entire heart burst in breaking and knowing that something so wrong was in play. James was with me as we rushed past my dad standing there alive yet lifeless in our driveway, James was there with me a we found my mama’s body on the living room floor lifeless, gone… James was with me…

James was with me in the very wake and moment that all of my life - past, present and future - catastrophically changed… and what I find extraordinary, is that he chose to stay with me, and he continues to stay with me all the way up to this now and next…

just ten-ish months after that July 4th day, we did the bravest thing I think our love could have done at that time and we chose to honor the date that was already set prior to July 4th for our wedding, and under the golden rays of a beautiful and bright sky, we said our vows and transformed yet again together into that ‘i do’.

there’s a lot in that time and space of my life that is so foggy, void, and unclear - yet, I can still hear the whispers from those around us saying things like “if they can make it through this, they can make it through anything” and wondering if we would, if we could, really navigate - together - our way through this and all the other ways life would and will happen.

and, what I can say confidently today is, we have, we did, we will continue to make it through…

that’s the power of our love. that’s the power of our ‘i do”.

as a way of honoring our story and getting clear and intentional about what we hope to share and experience in these next ten (and next ten and next ten and next…) we decided together to rewrite/revamp our vows for these next ten years. and I am not going to share with you the entirety of what my husband wrote to me, but I do want to share the part that brought the largest smile across my face and the most healing of tears across my cheeks… he shared with me:

“i love you. I love your genuineness and compassion. I love your unwavering passion to help all. I love your kindness to every living creature no matter how big or small. I love that you love so big that it makes you sad, and I love that you lean on me in those moments to bring you back to ground…. I love who we have become…”

and why I am sharing that with you as well as some of the depth and backstory that brought us here, is because for me, it just feels like I am seen… the way he sees me with such heart, love, and compassion allows me to better see me too. true and powerful reflection.

James is with me - still with me - always with me - and James is seeing me in a way where I can better see myself. we have changed so much - shifted so much - and yet our love has only grown and given us the capacity to move with the punches, to mourn with the pain, and to make beauty where once nothing could grow.

his support and all he sees in me is the literal ground for me to fall into, rest upon, and continue to rise into all I can be, feel, and know.

we need these clear reflections. and we need consistent support.

I am blessed to have found that and fostered that with someone who can bend with me, be with me, even break with me, all the while staying close, staying near, staying as wide open as we can to all that needs our love.

I don’t think I would be the me I am today If not for the man that met me in each and every moment before and between this now and then and chose to stay, chose to see, chose to continue to love me and all that I love, grieve, and feel.

in knowing he sees me with such a lens of compassion allows me to better see and reflect that truth of me into this world, into my service, into my creativity, into my now.

I hope we can all begin to see each other more clearly.

i hope we can all begin to reflect the most precious and vital parts of who we are and who we are to one another more clearly, courageously, and confidently.

I hope you can see me and all my light, grief, and transformations.

and I hope I can see you and all your light, truths, and magnitude.

I hope we all have a James, be it within us, or be it beside us, as a steady force, foundation, and footing in the continuation of all this life and all our lives can and will bring.

I hope all these things because I believe we are less likely to hurt and harm ourselves and each other when our gaze is clear and our sight is pure.

there’s magick in being seen. and there’s power in the seeing. whether our eyes be open, soft, or closed, when we can reflect to ourselves and to those around us the truths of our beauty, brilliance, and resilience, well I feel we are more likely to heal and remedy the world, one clear, compassionate reflection at a time…

and to James, thank you thank you thank you, for continuing to be right here, with me, eyes and heart wide and wonderfully open. I love you. I love you all.