what if?
"every moment is made for me"
feliz domingo dear ones,
I hope you are well. I hope you have spaciousness to rest and experience ease and joy and all that lives within those bounties. I hope you feel your breath in your body and feel your body in all it’s delight and ways it is always always always trying it’s best to take care of you. I hope you follow it’s lead and guidance by also taking good and grand care of you as you are worthy of being well as well as the one to do so - and so am I.
these last few days I have been in a surrender with maybe a little side and sprinkle of struggle as I keep coming home to the mantra and medicine of radical acceptance, radical appreciation, and radical care for my body and my ability to be and rest here. not all have that possibility and privilege and when I greet that gift of ground and safety here within my home and heart I wonder why sometimes so much of me just wants to resist it. feels like a mind thing to me. feels like our culture…
tomorrow morning will mark seven days - the entirety of this July thus far- of not feeling my most well and vital self. what began as a soar throat has morphed into a cough that has prolonged for days and now the hardest part is accepting that it is not a fluke or the flu or allergies but more than likely a reunion with COVID…
at first it brought me to frustration. and then it brought me to tears. and now it has transpired into multiple exhales of radical acceptance and appreciation for just how much my body is caring for me and the evolution of lessons and learning that I must as well. which requires letting go of the agenda as well as any apathy within myself for myself and the needs I know I can make and mend for me.
it’s transparent the ways in which I can keep myself from the very acts and agency that i would so bestow and bless upon another to feel well and be well, and yet, I thank what I see as it is the very stones to step through the blocks, beliefs, and barricades that keep me apart from my heart, my health, my healing - my home sweet home.
I am so thankful for the practice that continues to take my hand and breath and ground and guide me through. I keep hearing in my head a song from my childhood about going on a bear hunt and all the obstacles that get in the way and how we must go through it, for we cant go over it, we cant go under it, we cant even go around it, the only way is through and damn y’all, through always has so much to teach me as well as offer...
moving through this week has magnified the lens of my heart and spirits need to rest and be and allow what gunk and crud are ready to no longer live in me to move out and through. and it feels bigger than the physical and somatic symptoms I am experiencing, it also feels like the emotional - the energetic. all my heart and lungs and throat have held on to not just in these 11 years of grief and growing through such loss and change and all their cycles, but the entirety of my lifetime and lifelines- my bloodlines too. there’s so much within me that wants to be said and wants to be sung and seen and shared and what if this is the opportunity where I can finally pursue it - and only by going through it?
through also teaches me so much about timing and trust, too… like, the trust I have for my body as it does what it needs to do and all the signals and sensations it shares me - from the coughing to the sweating to the resting - all of it in solidarity to me and my soul, my whole, my truths. and the timing of what I might think of as inconvenient could actually be the very threshold ticking and toking and transferring me through and to a vitalness, a vastness, that I have never knew. but it wants me to. wants us to.
what if every ailment, every disease, every symptom we experience that takes us out of the ideas and schedule of who we thought we’d be as well as what we’d be doing are the very road-maps and resources through the mirages of our own neglect and into a way of being where we can be in our being? does that even make any sense? and it’s okay if not… I just see and feel the microcosm of me alongside the macro of we and believe wholeheartedly that everything is here to guide us through to well. for their is great disease out there - we know this - we don’t have to stretch too far out of the comfort zone that we might have to attune into the ick and sick of our current times and trajectories as well as all the ways we avoid making our way through…
mind is to body as culture is to planet. consider that for a moment…
I cant remember when I first heard those words yet I do know when I did I had to write it down. I had to place it upon a post it note and put it on my wall as a daily reminder that if I want to change the current ways we have agreed to be together in this life and world (culture y’all, culture) then I need to ensure that I am aligned, I am in congruence, I am feeding my mind the very nectar my body and soul craves and right now in this world our default is ego. consciously and unconsciously, intentionally and unintentionally, we automatically opt into separation. we automatically opt into scarcity. we automatically opt into ideas of being better than or not worthy enough… and all of that keeps us unwell - all of that keeps me unwell…
and here I am yet again experiencing this lesson. how often do we let our minds decide our fate when the very feels of our body just are begging us to accept, allow, and act accordingly to all that we feel? our bodies are wise after all. and always always always doing it’s damnedest to take care of us all in the whirlwind and resistance of our unwell egos.
i’ve had many moments where my own mind has left and lost congruence with my own knowing and internal guidance to appease the thoughts, the patterns, the productivity of our capitalistic culture and all to which only keeps me spiraling and saturated in the very things not serving me. and I for one am tired of this twister and all the ways it torments and takes me further from that which I need to go through…
i’m so thankful that i have resources and relationships around me that remind me I can slow down, I can tend to, I can put on hold that which I thought i’d be doing in this moment of now because my future self, the longevity of me, deserves that blessing and support too. from the elements of the earth and this time I have and had to just rest and lay upon her to the messages and ways those who love me find a way of holding my hand and heart -even at a safe distance- through...
it all feels like love to me. and love is that which we truly are as well as that which we are here to do. I am thankful that I can receive love as well as the rest my body is needing right now - maybe even my Spirit too…
in the sanctuary of my own rest I had the blessing to sit down and watch the new Netflix series “sprint” which I highly highly highly encourage y’all to watch if you have the streaming platform -so good y’all - so good! in the documentary one of the athletes Noah Lyles said something that made me get up and grab my pen and notebook and write it down - he said, “i believe every moment is made for me” and there is so much within me that believes that too.
that means every moment of illness, every moment of well, every moment of disease, every moment of vitality, and all the moments and milestones of mud and magick and madness in between, what if all of it and all of it’s entirety is here offering us some sort of lesson, some sort of offering, some sort of solution to let go of the thoughts and feel our way through…
it doesn’t mean we will like it. or want it. or even agree with it. resistance is also a great teacher in the homecoming of our ease and repair. we just gotta pay attention to what it is we are paying attention to as well as what we are resisting. are we neglecting the whole of us to appease the ideas? are we bypassing the care to continue to carry the conflict? and are we forgetting what is possible when we actually slow down, root in, and do maybe the most radical thing of all and allow ourselves to feel and trust those sensations?
maybe just maybe every moment is made for me and is made for you. and just because it is uncomfortable and we are unwell in the intersection of here and now what if it all has the power to cultivate an ease so centered and true that no amount of external stimulus, no degree of illness, no belief or bias, could ever pull us apart from that center and care?
what if every moment presented us the possibility to meet the now with repair as well as resource the future? I feel this and will be doing all within my means and might to resist the ways I can fall back into a formation never meant for me and my well and worth - instead, I will greet the now and all it’s nuance and needs and remind myself gently, I can be here, I can take care of her, I can trust my body, I can rest with my body, and all of which will benefit and serve me bigger than I can actually see here and now.
what if every moment was made for us? and made for us to be well? and whole? and held? and healed?
i’m going to be open to this curiosity and allow it to call me through… and hope with all my heart and healing maybe just maybe you will open your heart and mind to all that is here in these moments for you and your wholeness, wellbeing, and worth too.
in a hopes of not perpetuating harm within myself or our community and world, tonight’s outdoor practice at Russell’s Blueberry Farm is put on hold until next week. I look forward to being in reunion with you and the berries as well as my most happy, healthy, and well… please take some times to generate care for you today in all the ways you deserve, need, and are capable of. in the meantime know I love you, I appreciate you, and I am with you in this work and world of knowing our well and living into love and truth.
